Photo by Horizon Content on

Fun Fun Funnels

The humble gainer shake. A tub of melted Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough, half a carton of chocolate milk, and a 300ml tub of double cream. The cookie dough pieces are meticulously separated from the mix so they don’t clog up the mouth or tube of the funnel and so they can be enjoyed leisurely before the session starts. That’s not the original recipe though.

In the few months before R told me he was a feedee, he had decided to start gaining by himself in secret. I had noticed he was getting cuddlier but it wasn’t my place to say anything. His body, his choice. He was happy and we were happy, so what would be the point of mentioning it and risk him feeling any anxiety or judgement? When he confessed his preferences to me he also confessed he had been indulging in huge takeaways for lunch while I was in the office, eating tubs of ice cream in the middle of the day, filling up on 12 packs of doughnuts, and making what I now call the OG shakes.

He would take a 1L carton of chocolate milk, drink about a quarter, and then carefully, precisely, pour in a full tub of double cream. Once he’d given it a good mix (and enjoyed watching his belly bounce up and down with the momentum), he’d gulp it down in under a minute.

I like to think the new recipe is at least somewhat more palatable.

It gets mixed in a pink mixing bowl with a snowman spatula I bought for Christmas baking in 2021. It’s important to me that I get to make the shakes for R, taking the ice cream out so it defrosts gradually, sifting out the cookie dough pieces, and finally standing over the pink mixing bowl, wielding my spatula and pouring in the ingredients until I get the perfect ratio like some sort of witch making my fat potion makes me feel involved in his weight gain journey.

Once the shake is made; the blinds go down, the cushions get moved, and the funnel comes out. We chose a funnel with a tap, not unlike the one featured in the photo. We wanted to make sure that R could control the speed and quantity of the pour in case I accidentally overfilled the bowl of the funnel. We also did a trial run with water in the sink before the first ever funnel to make sure R was happy with how the tap worked and so we could both see how the speed of the pour could be controlled by lifting or lowering the spout.

After a brief 10 or so minutes of trial and error we started our first funnel session. Eventually I’ll write a post on what happened during our first funnel, maybe it’ll even have some tips and tricks learnt in hindsight or built with experience. We’ve since done four or five funnels, adapting the recipe of the shake to see what works best in terms of consistency and taste, trying different methods of pouring, and experimenting with sex and funnel feeding.

It’s never a serious thing, we spend a lot of time laughing at ourselves and being affectionate when funneling. It gets sticky and messy and dirty, but it’s also erotic and sexy and funny and brilliant and delicious. I never partake in the funnel, my role is absolutely the feeder, although maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to give it a go. Until then I’ll leave it to the pro.

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